Like all creditable news sources around the globe, The Times of Llama doesn’t make the news, it merely reports it. Except when it is the news, which is a lot of the time. Or it just makes stuff up, which is rare but can happen on a slow day.
So it is somewhat ironic that people are starting to talk about the end of the world. Trump, Brexit, Le Pen, Terrorism, Iran’s nuclear program, disappearing billionaires in Hong Kong, climate change, pandemics, antibiotic resistance and that grumpy old guy at the end of the street. Suddenly, the possibility of the end of the world doesn’t seem so silly.
We at The Times have been criticized in the past for reporting on the rumoured existence of the Illamanati and their prophesized doomsday scenario Llamageddon. Experts have dismissed the idea as nonsense and our mothers have told us to stop being silly. But suddenly it doesn’t seem so crazy, does it?
Whilst the world seemingly goes crazy, these same ‘experts’ still cannot eliminate the possibility that Tabby’s Star, or as non-scientists know it KIC 8462852, is not an alien spaceship constructing a Dyson swarm (I mean, come on, how hard can it be folks? Time is ticking). As a result, rumours persist that the light pulses are actually a version of Morse Code and that the Mayans have been confirming the date for Llamageddon with the Illamanati (as first reported exclusively in the Times in October, 2016 “Whistleblower claims Illamanati communicating with Aliens”).
We don’t want to be alarmist but we think there is a prudent course of action. With the latest date for Llamageddon being February 2020, and given the current state of world affairs, we recommend to our readers to make preparations now. Join the Llaman Nation, pay your taxes and book your ticket on the Mayan spaceship. Just in case.
Editor’s Note: We apologize for highlighting that we reported the news that the Illamanati were talking to the Mayans before anybody else even knew anything about it. But this is the way of modern journalism, everything is ‘first and exclusive’. So we beg our readers indulgence as we give ‘the bird’ to our news competitors. Take note, Rupert.